Have I recovered from my eating disorder?

20 Nov

By Maisie Kearsey.

In September 2017, I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa, a debilitating and life-threatening eating disorder and mental health condition. I went through intense treatment programmes including outpatient services and day unit treatment. I battled with my mind and body on a daily basis, made meal plan after meal plan, went to both group and individual therapy sessions and restored my weight to a healthy level. But does all of this mean I have recovered?

What actually is recovery? And how do I know if I have fully recovered? The best place to start is with defining the terms so where better to go than the dictionary.

What does the dictionary have to say?

The dictionary defines recovery in two ways, the first being, ‘a return to a normal state of health, mind or strength’. There are some things we can draw from this definition and yet there are some flaws and loop-holes. For example, what does ‘normal’ even mean? Every single person has their own definition for what is ‘normal’ to them and therefore, can there be any definable features?

In terms of an eating disorder, I would rephrase the word ‘normal’ to baseline. My baseline in terms of my recovery from anorexia was getting to a point of being weight restored. This was my target and the bare minimum of what I was aiming for in my personal recovery journey. But being weight restored did not encapsulate the whole recovery journey. Recovery for me was about so much more than restoring my weight to a healthy level. Recovery was a complete shift in mindset, a 180 degree turn from my unhealthy and unhelpful coping mechanisms and was the process of claiming my sense of self back. So, the first definition just doesn’t quite cut it.

Digging deeper into the dictionary

The second dictionary definition is, ‘the action or process of regaining possessions or control of something lost or stolen.’ This is a definition which sits more comfortably with me and my exploration of what recovery is and how to stay on track with it.

Eating disorders seek to steal joy and control us from the inside out. They seek to isolate us and make us untrusting and closed off to the world. Eating disorders seek to destroy and annihilate. And choosing recovery is the only way to fight them.

So, what actually is this recovery thing?

Recovery means regaining a sense of who you are, what you like, what you don’t like, what you stand for and what you stand against. Recovery is learning how to laugh again as you claim back what was stolen by your eating disorder. Recovery is all about identity seeking, passion discovering and above all else resilience building.

For me, restoring my health through good nutrition was just the beginning of my recovery. As someone who has now fully recovered from an eating disorder, I can safely say that it was the best choice I ever made.

Recovery for me is about being able to be more independent and walk to places without the need for an exercise ban but also loving my rest days where I am just at home watching movies without any guilt for not moving enough. Recovery for me is about spending time with my friends and family where I can’t stop smiling and laughing but also knowing how to process feeling sad and angry at times without resorting to unhealthy coping mechanisms. Recovery for me is living in the truth that one bad day does not make it a bad life and knowing that I am someone with so much to offer the world just by being who I was created to be.

If you too would like to choose recovery from your eating disorder, sign up to a tastelife course today. The course is 8 weeks long, is facilitated by trained leaders and takes place either online or in person. The course is for both sufferers from diagnosed or undiagnosed eating disorders as well as their friends, family and carers and is a supportive and safe space to take training steps towards greater understanding of eating disorders and recovery.

Written by Maisie Kearsey

4 minute read

Rachel Fung https://madebydave.org